From the depths of my soul, it rose
Sending whispers to my mind
With the great power of a sword,
Driving to my heart’s core,
It laid bare my intentions and desires,
My thoughts and treasures
Never before had I seen such uninvited force…
What is its source? Who wields its power?
Maybe it’s just the atmosphere
Playing jokes with my head…
So I’ll calmly ignore the call
And turn away from the mirror…
………………………………………………
Ironed black slacks and a button-up shirt, while sporting
the classic Doc Martins’ or Shetchers’ black dress shoes.
Hair perfected to its position with a combination of gel and
hairspray. You can say this is because my mom and dad taught me two different
ways of styling hair.
A smile, to defer attention away from me to my parents.
Yes, this is a pastor’s kid getting ready for Sunday
morning.
It would be impossible to count the number of sermons,
conventions, Sunday School classes, or other church related activities that I
have sat through.
You learn to figure out the point of the sermon in the first
few minutes just by the name of the sermon and the verse being read.
“Nothing new”
“Heard it before.”
“What haven’t I heard?”
Having grown up in a very Christian family environment, the
Bible was never far from conversation.
In fact, a simple family dinner could turn into a
theological discussion about church or why so-and-so needs to come to church or
how this person is a bad person.
When you spend the first 15 years of your life as a pastor’s
kid, you think that somehow you have a head start on this thing called life.
That somehow you are on an A-list of Christians
It is this weird self-righteous thing…that unfortunately, I
probably thought at one time.
And maybe, down somewhere deep inside, I still struggle
with.
And you may not be a pastor’s kid, but maybe you are there
too.
Thinking that you are in the right. Thinking you have the
right view. Thinking that you are the one that is keeping this world sane. That
so-and-so needs to see through your eyes.
Thinking you know it all.
I still have that thought from time to time.
The thought that I do know better than others
The thought that I have heard it all before
The thought that you can’t teach me anything
I can get so stuck in my ways of thinking, so stubborn with
my beliefs and opinions
That it seems like I truly am the center of the world
That God is after my glory
…
You ever really look at yourself in the mirror?
I mean like examine every detail about you
It’s haunting isn’t it?
The third-person perspective
What you thought you looked like in a moment is completely
erased by the image you see before you.
Immediately, you start adjusting your hair or your clothes
so that you don’t look ridiculous.
It’s almost instantaneous
This thought rising to your head
This conviction.
“Something isn’t right.”
There is this vision you have of the way things are supposed
to be, and you seek to make things right.
Try it. I dare you.
Conviction.
Now, imagine that you see all of these things about yourself
but do absolutely nothing to fix it. You, in fact, have the thought that
something is not right, but are overjoyed just with the fact that you noticed
something was wrong. You even praise yourself for having the thought, though
you didn’t conjure it up yourself.
…
So there I am, a pastor’s kid.
Church attendee. Leading worship in youth and Sunday morning
service.
Doing dramas for church and such.
Sermons and Sunday Schools fly by. Too many to count. I hear
the same stories over and over.
But every so often…
A word is spoken that strikes to my heart…
“Something isn’t right…”
“I don’t read my Bible…”
“I talk bad about others…”
“I don’t tell others about Jesus…”
“I don’t feed the hungry…”
“I don’t do all of these things that Jesus said would be
signs of being his disciple…”
“Am I really following after him?”
“Something isn’t right…”
“This reflection in the mirror is not the person that I am
supposed to be…”
It hits my mind like a load of bricks
And yet, I stood there, seeing my flaws and all, and was
impressed with myself that I felt so convicted.
That I had the right feelings.
That I had the right heart towards the things of God.
I turned away from the mirror, and ignored the image I saw.
Never turning back to right the wrongs.
I deceived myself into thinking the mirror would fix it’s
own problems and that the image would change over time.
It took 19 years of my life to realize that conviction is
not enough.
That the mirror is doing its job.
But I wasn’t doing mine.
Conviction doesn’t save. It only points out the issues.
God says to not only hear his word but do it.
Otherwise, you are like a person who looks square into a
mirror and yet ignores the reality that you are in need of serious repair.
Conviction is not the end, but a means to the End.
Stop praising your feelings and start looking in the mirror.
Very good stuff!
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